Insanity
by Lilac Gemini
Summary: Everything was dark. He couldn't see, he couldn't hear... Was this insanity? Oneshot of Ciel's brief descent into insanity. It takes place in the Witches arc, which doesn't exist in the anime. Spoiler alert.


**A/N: This takes place in the Witches arc, after he'd been exposed to the mustard gas. It goes all the way through, from before the flashback to his letter from the Queen. It is rather humiliating for Ciel, so be prepared for that, and be warned that there** ** _are_** **spoilers, as I specified earlier. Please choose wisely.**

 **Also, please note that all the quotations are, indeed, taken straight from the manga, so I understand that there will be some grammatical errors. Bear with me, guys.**

 **Keep in mind that this is centered entirely around Ciel. Sebastian will only show up when he interacts with him. That being said, a lot of the scenes will start with a quote, seeing as that's how it is in the manga. It isn't magnificent, but it should be good enough. Pretty much all the use of the pronoun "he" will be used to mean Ciel. And there are absolutely no pairings in this whatsoever.**

 **Thank you, and please enjoy.**

* * *

It all went so fast.

He remembered it all like it was yesterday, though he wished he didn't, wished he'd forget it all.

But life isn't kind to anyone.

Helplessly, as the cold liquid was forced down his throat, he whimpered, clawing at the soft flesh that held the funnel to his mouth. He hated it, he hated it! He just wanted it to stop!

But it wouldn't, because life isn't kind to anyone.

He could feel his consciousness slipping away, comprehensible thought leaving him, and quickly was numbed to everything but the cold water drawing him into oblivion and the tormenting prison of his own mind.

* * *

 _"Listen up, brats! It's dinner time!"_

 _He didn't even look up. Experience had taught him that feeding time was disgusting, it hurt, and that he couldn't stand it. No one did._

 _"We don't do fancy things like plates here! Open up!"_

 _Absently, he noted that the choking sounds emitted from the other children as the slop was forced down their throats were getting closer. His turn wasn't far away._

 _"Hey! Don't you spill that!"_

 _Ciel winced at the sharp crack of a whip resounded through the air, followed by a pained cry. You were punished for spilling food, even if it wasn't your fault. He was beginning to wonder if they enjoyed punishing their "lambs". They certainly did it a lot._

 _Suddenly, a hand reached out, grabbing the collar of his filthy shirt and dragging him towards the bars of the cage he was imprisoned in before pinning his arm to one of them._

 _"We can't have you dying on us now. Eat something!"_

 _He was helpless as his gleeful tormentor shoved a funnel in his mouth and poured some of the disgusting slop down his throat. It was just barely enough to keep him alive, not nearly enough to calm his raging stomach, and consisted of slimy chunks of meat and disgustingly old vegetables, on the verge of rotting, maybe already so. It was nothing like what he used to eat at home._

No.

 _His throat emitted the same guttural moans and coughs as the slop traveled straight down it, giving him no chance to chew the contents._

It hurts. I'm scared.

 _His small frame began to tremble as they shoved more, more into him, too much for him to take at once, and certainly too much to be comfortable._

Father. Mother.

 _He gasped and spluttered as the hand dropped his tiny wrist and left him, slumped over, to choke down the soupy substance. It hurt so badly… All of him hurt…_

 _"Next!"_

Save me.

 _A dull thump drew his attention to their next victim, a boy with curly blond hair and terrifyingly vacant brown eyes, as their captors dragged him, too, to the bars to receive his meal. The boy gave no response._

 _"Ah. This one's dead."_

 _The words sent a chill down his spine. Three of the seven prisoners is Cage #14 had died now. His blank gaze followed the corpse as it was carelessly taken out and away._

Will I…

 _"Sheesh, those lords are too rough with these kids!"_

End up like that…?

 _"Don't worry."_

 _He was surprised to see a similarly sized hand reach out and place itself on his. Looking up, he saw the smiling face of its owner._

 _"I'll protect you."_

 _He gave a smile of his own._

Ah, that's right.

 _Pressing his own hand into the palm of the other, he sighed, before laying his head down and falling asleep._

I still had you.

 _Suddenly, they were grabbing him, taking him away –_

 _"No! Don't take me away!"_

 _Terrified tears filled his bright blue eyes as the rough, uncaring hands dragged him, kicking and screaming, to the alter that had seen the blood of so many other children, knowing full well what was about to happen to him, what had happened to everyone else that had laid there. He'd been marked, underfed, and beaten. Now he was going to be sacrificed. He wanted nothing more than to run to his parents, to tell them how scared he was, to fall asleep in their warm embrace as they vowed to protect him, drowning him in the secure feeling._

 _But that wouldn't be happening. His parents were dead._

 _"Ciel!"_

 _He was helpless to do anything but watch in horror as the ornamental knife sunk deep into the soft flesh of his stomach -_

He awoke to the sound of a blood-curdling scream, taking a moment before realizing it was his own and allowing it to trail off into desperate pants. Something terrifying was happening. He was positive his eyes were open, but…

"Young Master!"

…Why couldn't he see anything?

"Ahh… I was truly worried there for a second…"

"Young Master! I'm so glad!"

"I think I lost a few years there."

"How are you feeling? Young Master Ciel."

Everyone was talking at once. The noise was making his head hurt, and he wished it would stop. Pain was scary.

"Ci…el?" he gasped out, still panting.

"Young Master? What's wrong?"

A hand touched his wrist, and, recalling the pain of when it was last touched, he screamed and slapped it away. His own actions surprised him, but he was too scared to question his sanity at the moment. He leapt at the nearest source of warmth, which happened to be Finny, and continued screaming. "No! Ciel doesn't want pain anymore!"

…Did he really just refer to himself in third person? How animalistic could his behavior get?

"It's dark… Where am I?" he whimpered. "I'm scared…"

"Young Master, what's wrong? It's not dark at all."

But it was. Everything was black, and he couldn't see. That made it dark.

"Who's there? I can't see a thing."

He could hear sharp intakes of breath. "Could he…"

"I'm afraid the Young Master's eye is…"

He was so scared. He was in an unfamiliar place, he hurt all over, and it was dark, the same as that time. His eyes widened in a desperate attempt to take in light, to see something, anything.

"Someone turn on the lights..."

* * *

"NO! DON'T TOUCH ME!"

The seams of the pillow that he was swinging around finally came apart with a tear, letting loose all of its feathers all over his butler.

"Young Master, if you get so worked up, your body will-"

"Shut up! Get out!"

He glared with all his might at the terrifying demon he could feel in front of him. He, himself, was rather confused at the fear Sebastian – one who usually brought a vague sense of security – was striking in him. It was uncharacteristic of him to behave so childishly, and he wished he would stop, but the fear-induced adrenaline was taking control of his body, making him do such humiliating things for such a weak excuse as "self-defense". Though nothing could stop the relief he felt when his butler politely noted his understanding and left the room. When the door shut, he felt around for his blankets, locating them and wrapping himself in a cocoon of them.

This was going to be a long night.

* * *

"Young Master, won't you eat? Just a little!"

"I don't want it. I don't want to eat."

"T-Then how about some warm milk?"

He perked up. Warm milk…? He used to have that when he had a nightmare. "With honey?"

He sensed Finny brighten at his positive response. "Let's put in a lot and make it really sweet!"

Listening silently to the dribbling of the honey as it ran into the milk, he drew in a deep breath, trying to calm his neurotic mind. _It's okay, you're okay. Nothing will hurt you._

"Okay, I'll blow on it to cool it down for you!"

The words were accompanied by hot milk drenching his face as the superhuman gardener's breath sent the liquid spraying all over him, and he couldn't help but exclaim his surprise.

"Ah! Sorry, I'll clean it up right away!"

He could feel how gentle Finny was trying to be as he took a cloth and wiped up all of the milk. He could also feel his worried eyes as he saw all his wounds from the miasma. Finally, he spoke.

"Does it hurt?"

"No."

Finny sighed. "Young Master, when you're done, let's get some fresh air."

He drew his knees up to his chest. "Don't want to," he muttered flatly. "It's scary outside. Scary…"

"Young Master…" He could feel Finni's eyes on him, so sad and worried. He hated making them feel like this, but it wasn't like he could help it. His rationality was hiding in the farthest reaches of his mind, just as scared as the rest of him, and no matter how hard he tried to dig it out, he'd always just end up in the blanket cocoon again.

"It'll be fine!" Finny insisted. "If any scary things come, I'll get rid of all of them! I'll protect you, no matter what!"

He froze. That phrase was too close to theirs…

"When you gave me this name, that's what I decided."

"I'm not worth protecting."

Finny looked up, startled at his response, and likely also startled by the tears that adorned his eyes. "Not just me…" he whimpered. "Not me… but rather…"

His little body trembled with all the cramped emotion, all the pain of that day… If only…

But that didn't happen. Because life isn't kind to anyone.

* * *

"There's still much more."

"I'm full."

"But you only ate one!"

Their argument was interrupted by a large crash as the window imploded, emitting something big and heavy and terrifying.

"W-Werewolves?!"

Finny's exclamation scared him even more. Werewolves were what made him hurt, what made his world pitch black. Werewolves were scary.

"Young Master!"

Suddenly, he was thrown flat against the bed as Finny flung himself over him, using his body as a shield and successfully deflecting an incoming slash.

"That hurts."

His nonchalance to the inevitable wound was of no surprise to the damaged Earl, but he was still terrified. A dull _smack_ sounded in the small room as Finny kicked the monster back out the window from whence it came, down three stories before hitting the ground with a thud.

"What's going on?! What is it?"

The door slammed open to emit everyone as they came rushing in to see what had happened. Finny explained as Ciel composed himself.

"The Werewolf came."

"What?!"

"He went out the window."

"I'll go after him!"

"Stop! He emits miasma! You'll be cursed as well!"

"He's right, Bard. You can't go after him."

He was surprised as Lady Sullivan gave a startled cry from the door. He had assumed she had come in with everyone else, but apparently she hadn't.

"Young Lady! The Werewolf attacked!"

"Here?!"

Everyone was talking at once, and he was overwhelmed and terrified. "No more! I'm scared!"

He felt the Green Witch's pitying gaze as she took in his weak form. He had to admit, it was humiliating to be scared so easily. What happened to being "far beyond afraid of shattering"?

Lady Sullivan scowled. "Wolfram. Prepare for Green Witch's 'Service'."

"Master Sullivan?" Sebastian asked, concerned.

"It'll be fine. I'm the Green Witch," she insisted. "I'll protect this village, no matter what!"

With that, she and Wolfram left them. His brief sense of security brought by the Witch's presence deserted him, and he immediately began feeling for something to hide himself in. The curtain fell victim to his grasp, and he fell off the bed, wrapping himself completely in the soft material. "I hate this place! I want to go home!"

His servants tried, and failed, to console him. "Shut up!" he screamed. Barely, though, just barely, he caught Sebastian's near-inaudible sigh of exasperation.

 _Damn demon,_ he thought venomously. _What_ _are you planning now?_

* * *

 _When he opened his eyes, he was standing on a giant monochrome chessboard, with different pieces scattered in various squares. Starlike lights dangled from the endless black sky on elegant chains, pairing with the drapes of colored fabric that descended from the darkness. As always, he stood on the black side of the board, but the person on the white was…_

 _…Himself._

 _Dressed as elegantly as he, but with a much more confident expression than his own, stood Ciel Phantomhive, his everything mirroring each other, though the mirror lacked the seal._

 _"How unlike you to be brought to a standstill."_

 _His reply was short and timid._

 _"I'm scared."_

 _"What's so scary?"_

 _"It's pitch black. I can't see anything."_

 _The mirror straightened up before gracefully leaping from square to square, his steps emitting odd glittering shapes, all the while getting closer to the one piece Ciel didn't want to think about. "Then why are you just standing there?"_

 _When Ciel failed to respond, the mirror laughed. "I know everything about you. I'll tell you why."_

 _He stopped in front of the dreaded piece, turning back to face Ciel._

 _"You're actually scared to look straight at it."_

 _Leaning back, he gave Ciel a devilish look before caressing the nose of the piece, the Black Knight._

 _"That 'Proof of Sin' beside you."_

 _Ciel flinched before his turning his now watering eyes down. The mirror sighed before lightly skipping up to him. "I'm sorry," he apologized. "I said something nasty, didn't I?"_

 _He brought his face closer to Ciel's. "If it's that bad, why don't you stay here forever?" he suggested._

 _"That's…"_

 _"Why do you hesitate? Nothing will hurt you here, right?"_

 _Ciel clenched his fists. "But I'm…"_

 _The mirror stepped up, entwining Ciel's fingers with his own and holding them up between the two of them._

 _"I know," he assured calmly. "Think it over as much as you like."_

* * *

He woke up to a knocking on the door, though he wished he hadn't. The darkness was scary, and now that he was blind, it was everywhere. Only in his sleep could he escape from it.

"Ah!" Finny called from his bedside. "It woke you up, didn't it? I'll go have a look so you go back to sleep."

The door opened with a creak, and he heard some muted whispers before the demon's voice rang out, loud and clear and terrifying.

"Finny, will you leave for a while?"

The thought horrified him. Alone? With Sebastian? The mere thought was almost too much to handle.

"B-But…!" The gardener protested.

"I have something very important to discuss with the Young Master."

The tapping of his shoes told Ciel he was approaching. Trembling in fear, he shook his head, rejecting the demon as much as possible. "N-No! Go away!"

The tapping suddenly stopped as a light _swf_ was heard, meaning Finny had thrown himself in the way of the butler.

"Did you hear what I said?" Sebastian asked coldly. "Please leave."

"P-Please wait!" Finny begged. "The Young Master still isn't-"

In his petrified daze, Ciel heard the sounds of a struggle, likely Sebastian trying to force Finny out of the room. "Wah, hey!" Finny protested, before growling and digging his feet in with all his might, but Ciel knew the butler wouldn't be fazed in the slightest. He was proven right as he heard the thump of Finny hitting the floor, a result of Sebastian throwing him out.

"Thank you for taking care of the Young Master," Sebastian declared. "It won't be necessary anymore."

With that, the door slammed shut, leaving the two of them in there, alone.

Ciel had wrapped himself entirely in his blanket, cocooning himself once more, anxious as to what the demon would do to him. The accursed footsteps rounded the bed before stopping beside him.

"We received a letter from the Queen."

Ciel blinked in surprise.

"And…"

The anticipation was killing him. And what?

"…It seems we'll be thrown out of this village tomorrow morning."

He clenched a fist.

"Brooding over your fears and regrets, curled up in your blanket, is not what you should be doing right now. Come, get out of bed."

He gritted his teeth, unsure as to whether it was from fear or defiance. Finally, he choked out a response.

"N-No."

"Oh?" Sebastian sounded disappointed. "Well. You will abandon your position as the Queen's Watchdog, then?"

A slithering noise came from his general direction, but Ciel was too scared to see what it was. Absolutely it would hurt.

"Very well. You won't have to experience any hardship if you're no longer the Queen's Watchdog. No one will blame you for not wanting that forever. The servants will surely treat you well. However…"

Black, swirling tendrils tore away the blanket that held the Earl, wrapping themselves around him in various places, successfully trapping him and leaving him utterly vulnerable.

"Abandoning your revenge midway is against the contract."

Sebastian grabbed his face, holding it close to his own. "What an utterly boring end," he muttered. "I feel sorry for all the people who became a victim to your boring existence.

"Well."

The tendrils began wrapping themselves around him more fully, tearing at the bandage that hid his eye and gradually covering his entire body with darkness.

"Since you're going to be disappearing now anyway, it's not as if you care."

The demon stuck its long, red tongue out in a taunting manner.

"It's not what I was hoping for, but it might fill me up a little bit."

The darkness expanded to fill the whole room, leaving only a few patches of Ciel to be seen.

 _Am I going to die?_

Swirling, it covered the rest of his body, all but his face.

 _I haven't carried out my revenge yet._

He felt the cold touch of the demon as his sightless left eye was taken, along with the rest of his head, all except his contract seal.

 _Even the devil's given up on me._

Then it all went black.

* * *

 _"Have you decided?"_

 _He was in the center of the chessboard again, crouching, his face buried in his knees, with the mirror standing in front of him._

 _"To stay here forever?"_

 _Ciel didn't respond._

 _"You're silly."_

 _Suddenly, the mirror was hugging him, his warmth so similar to theirs… It hurt…_

 _"No one asked you to take revenge."_

 _"I know."_

 _"If you know, then why do you seek revenge?"_

 _The warmth left him, and Ciel looked up to see a sacrifice. A ten year old sacrifice, beaten and bloody, for the devil._

 _He saw himself._

 _"With the power you gained by sacrificing me."_

 _Ciel started, before looking down and realizing that his own attire had changed to that which he wore while imprisoned, and that he was now trapped inside the same cage as then, too._

 _"Because you made that choice."_

 _The setting had changed to something darker, more ragged. The lights were shattered, the cloths torn, and instead of chess pieces stood people, his pieces in reality._

 _The pieces that had been discarded._

 _"Many people were sacrificed."_

 _Ciel was terrified. He clutched the bars of his cage, not daring to look at those circling him._

 _Madame Red… His parents… Joker… Doll…_

 _And himself._

 _"I…I…"_

 _"Did you want me to forgive you?" the mirror asked._

 _"N-No…"_

 _"Did you want to leave your weak self behind?" Madame Red asked._

 _"No."_

 _"Did you want everything to be yours?" Joker asked._

 _"No!"_

 _"I know."_

 _Ciel looked to the voice, seeing…_

 _"You wanted revenge for us, didn't you?" his mother asked._

"NOOO!"

 _"Then…"_

 _Darkness began swirling in the room._

 _"Why is it that you made such a great sacrifice, with even that soul of yours at stake…"_

 _Bright, red eyes shone, refusing to show any emotion whatsoever._

 _"To make a contract with me?"_

That's right _._

 _Ciel's hand unconsciously drifted up to his right eye._

I made a contract with a demon because…

The reason I wanted a power that could not be defeated by anyone is…

 _"I am not so noble that I would stake my life for someone else. Nor am I so forgiving that I would sit by and allow someone to trample me._

 _"I am a selfish and self-righteous human being! That's why!"_

 _Red eyes glinted curiously._

 _"I… To clear my own shame… I used your power."_

 _His head had lowered as he spoke, but now it snapped back up. "Not for anyone else!_

"But for myself!"

 _Everything shattered, leaving him crouching on emptiness. He squinted through the bright light that shone forth, seeing the strip of fears he'd have to conquer, of pasts that he needed to overcome. At the end stood a very familiar butler, beckoning him with a grin._

 _Ciel wasted no time leaping up and charging into the fray, evolving after each victory. As he ran past a hardship, it dissipated into white petals, etching themselves into his soul to reside there forever._

 _Himself…_

 _His parents…_

 _Madame Red…_

 _Joker…_

 _Doll…_

"SEBASTIAN!"

Sebastian's eyes widened. How did he…?

"You bastard! Let me go, right now! That's an order!"

Gently, the dark tendrils released the young boy onto the bed, coughing and gasping for the air he had been deprived of while trapped in Sebastian's darkness.

"Dammit! I've never had such a terrible wake-up call!" Turning, he glared, full-force, at the demon. "This is terrible behavior towards your master, Sebastian!"

"Yes. Do excuse me. You were tossing and turning so badly." The demon then bent down onto one knee and kneeled before his master.

"Good morning, my lord."

Ciel reciprocated his butler's grin before unexpectedly kicking his left shoulder, looking unnerved and upset. "You really tried to eat me just now, didn't you?"

"No, no," Sebastian consoled cheerfully. "I was only 90% serious."

"So you basically decided on it already."

"Mr. Tanaka told me not to take drastic measures, so I kept it off for a while, but you were carrying on like a baby, so I just unconsciously-"

"Like you would 'unconsciously' eat your master," Ciel growled. "Damn demon."

"Yes," Sebastian agreed. "Because I am a demon and a butler."

Ciel huffed and looked away, while Sebastian just grinned.

"So, why did you become like that?" he asked nonchalantly, albeit curiously. The gas shouldn't have effected him psychologically.

"That's…" Ciel began, before pausing. "I'll tell them too. Let them in."

Sebastian walked over to the door and opened it, stepping out of the way to avoid getting caught by the falling eavesdropping servants. "Sheesh. What kind of servants would listen in on their master?"

"No, but we couldn't hear – no, I mean, uh, Finny said you were acting weird, so…"

"What a short temper! …Says Bronte."

"Mr. Sebastian, don't be angry!"

Ciel sighed. "What a loud bunch you are."

Finny stared, overjoyed and utterly surprised. "Y-Young Master!" he finally shouted. "You're back to normal, aren't you!" He then charged towards the thirteen-year-old Earl in enthusiasm, only to be stopped by a waiting Sebastian.

"Stop right there," he ordered. "He's finally recovered, do you wish to put him out again?"

"Ah!" he gasped. "I'm sorry!"

Ciel chuckled before holding his hand out. "Finny, thank you for taking care of me. I'm fine now.

"Y-" He held both of his out, amazed by the fragile little hand that came to rest on his own. "Yes."

He couldn't have stopped the tears if he tried. Clutching the appendage to his forehead, he cried out. "Yes!"

Looking up, Ciel called to his other servants. "You all come over too," he ordered. Once everyone was lined up on the side of his bed, he began. "There's something I have to tell you." Taking a deep breath, he braced his hands against his knees and looked them all in the eyes.

"I'm sorry."

Everyone was dumbfounded. Did their master just apologize to them?

Allowing his head to drop, Ciel continued. "Through my carelessness I have caused you to suffer and worry. Please forgive me."

The servants were quick to console him.

"N-No, Young Master!" *****

"Please raise your head!"

"You can't help being cursed! …Says Emily."

"That's right!"

"…"

"No," Ciel insisted. "Even the me up until yesterday was still me. As your master, I swear you will never have to see me in such a sorry state again. So that's why I ask…"

Raising his head, he gave his servants a strong look. "Please serve me again from today on."

"Yes, My Lord!"

"…Says Bronte."

As Bard whined about the ruined ending, Ciel interrupted, blushing a bit. "By the way," he said. "It's sudden, but as your master, I have an order for you."

Clenching his little fists, blush deepening, Ciel finally declared, "P-Please forget about how I was up until yesterday, right now!"

Silence reigned for a second before everyone exploded into laughter.

"Ah, Young Master, that'll be quite hard!" Bard giggled.

"At your age, it's fine to be like yesterday, you know!" Mey-Rin laughed.

"I value all my memories!" Finny declared.

"Ah, so that means you have all your memories up until yesterday, too?" Mey-Rin asked once she had calmed.

"Yes," Ciel moaned, rubbing his forehead. "Though I'd like to get rid of them all. But I didn't do all those things because I wanted to."

"Meaning?" Sebastian inquired.

"I feared even the littlest thing," Ciel clarified, "and completely lost my self-control. I really can't put it into words, though."

"That happens on the battlefield a lot, doesn't it?" Bard pointed out. "Even a well-trained soldier will panic when they get badly wounded unexpectedly. It happens a lot. So I think it's only normal that you got like that."

"It's true," Sebastian agreed. "When you fell to the curse that appearance had quite an impact. I wonder if they were aiming for a psychological attack, too."

"Aim?" Ciel asked. "What do you mean?"

Silently, Sebastian reached into his pocket and extracted a letter from the Queen. "Please read this."

Surprised, Ciel took it, opening it and looking over its contents. "What's this?"

 _C4H8CL2SNaOCL_

"C4… Is it code?"

"It was an emergency, so I had to make the decision myself, but I had the royal family do a component analysis on the plants from the Werewolf Forest and the 'magic cure' used to heal you."

 _So that means these letters are chemicals. And I was exposed to this!_ "Hmph." He grinned. "So this is the true identity of the 'curse'!"

"Yes," Sebastian confirmed. "And Master Sullivan acted according to the Werewolf's wishes, and is trying to complete the 'ultimate magic'."

Ciel sighed before looking back to the letter. "Hm?" he hummed as he removed a second paper from behind the first. "There's more."

Eyes skimming the paper, his hands suddenly clenched. "She's as absurd as ever!"

 _It will give me great pleasure if the little witch will come to tea with me._

* * *

 **A/N: Holy crap, that took forever! And it isn't even that long! Gah, writing is haaaard!**

 **Well, I read that part, and the feels... They were too much. See, this is one of those times when you wish a character was real special so you can hug them. And beat the crap outta those stupid werewolves. They exposed him to mustard gas! He could have died!**

 **Not only that, but I was pretty mad at Sebastian, too. Like, if he tried to eat Ciel as an attempt to bring him back, I'd be fine, but he was 90% serious! Many colorful words were used once I read that. Hahh, I need to watch my language...**


End file.
